God is an awesome DJ

Thank you for your prayers after my recent post about A and me. They definitely worked.

It's so strange to be in this very dark place and to be losing hope for so long and to start feeling like something drastic and bad is going to happen, and then the clouds clear and there is hope again. I feel almost silly - as if I shouldn't have been so upset - because things are so much better, it's like there was never a problem, so what was I worrying about?

But, really, things between A and me were very bad for a long time, and I felt like I was drowning. I had reached the point where I wasn't even sure what to pray for anymore. I felt numb and completely alone. And, I've found in my life, that that's where God steps in. Not that he's not stepping in the whole time, but I guess for me it's more noticeable when I'm a sack of despair and pity and anger and other assorted yuck, and then I wake up one morning and I feel as if I've been placed on a beautiful beach with sunshine, warm sand, the smell of the ocean, and sparkling water. Life just seems different.

So that's where I've been this week. I realized A and I weren't operating like a couple. We were two people living together, but doing our own thing - as if we were roommates, not partners. My tendency when someone is frustrating me or disappointing me is to think, "Well - I'm just going to have to do X myself!" And, that's what I was doing. About EVERYTHING. And, I was throwing myself into raising R as if I was a single parent. Everything else sucked, but it didn't matter because R was wonderful and he was the center of my life.

And, then R's issues at school were identified, and we started seeing some behavioral problems with him getting along with his friends when he was frustrated. The "perfect" part of my life was disintegrating, and I felt completely overwhelmed by it. Because I was trying to deal with it all on my own, and I couldn't.

Then, last week, I read an article and blog post about how putting your marriage first (instead of your kids) is actually good for your kids. It talked about how when people aren't doing so great in their marriage, they focus all their attention on their kids, and that attention is too much - you end up helicopter parenting. And, the kids pick up on the seemingly hidden tension in the home, and problems crop up.

That article was a big, painful slap in the face. But I needed it. Because I was thinking that I was hiding how unhappy I was from R, but of course he noticed. And, when I thought about it, he had been trying to compensate. He had been extra snuggly and cuddly with both A and me recently, telling us both separately how much he loves us, stroking my arm very tenderly, things like that. He was making up for the love that was missing between A and me. And, the absolute last thing on Earth I want is for my problems to affect my child.

After reading that post and benefiting from your prayers - something just clicked. I reached out to A in a way I hadn't in a long time, and I feel like we're a team again. Of course, our team's a little weak and out of practice right now, but I'm hopeful that will change. We still have a lot to talk about and figure out - but I finally feel like we can do that together in a positive, constructive way.

*************

On Thursday, I was listening to the radio in the car when U2's "One" came on. I love that song, but it's one of those songs for me where I know all the words, but haven't a clue what they mean. This time I heard these parts in particular - and not in the right order:

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

And, I knew God was in the DJ's booth that morning.

The "we're one, but we're not the same" part really struck me. Because that's what marriage is. Two people who aren't the same, who have different personalities and needs and ways of coping, trying to be one. And, that's really freaking hard. It goes against our individual natures (or, at least it goes against mine!). It takes work trying to make one good thing out of two messes. And, if you don't tend to that one thing, it falls apart.

A and I have a lot of tending to do. And, I need to stop deciding that when things get tough, I can do it all by myself. Because I can't. Neither can A. And, I'm guessing that's why God made sure A and I found each other in the first place.

Four days left!

I cannot believe that my little man is only 4 school days away from the end of kindergarten! How did this happen?!?

Last week, his school had Field Day. There's a great picture on the bulletin board at school of R and one of his good friends during the tug-o-war. Tonight was the family BBQ, which was SO much fun. Not only was there tons of food, but there was also a bouncy house, cotton candy, slush, a DJ, carnival-type games, balloon sculptures, and - best of all - a dunk tank.

R actually wore his bathing suit and swim goggles to the BBQ because he wanted to go in the dunk tank so badly. But since it was drizzly and cool and we didn't think to bring a towel with us, we made him wait for the dunk tank until right before we were heading home.

He waited in line patiently with one of his classmates. She chickened out when it was her turn, so R was up.



He didn't have a very long turn, and the water was FREEZING, but R absolutely loved it.

Surprises Three

The Spandex Surprise 
Yesterday, we made plans with friends to go on a casual family bike ride on our local bike path. Well, A and I thought it was going to be casual. We figured that with four adults, two 6-year-olds, and a 1-year-old that it would be a leisurely ride. So, we strapped the bikes on the car, packed some snacks and water, and put on jeans and sweatshirts (it was cool and drizzly).

When we pulled into our friends' driveway, the dad/husband appeared from the garage with his bike. And, he was completely decked out in one of those one-piece professional-looking Lycra biking suits(? I don't even know what they're called) that leave little to the imagination, plus biking shoes and gloves. A and I had to keep ourselves from laughing. Our friends are from Italy, and they keep inviting us on excursions like this, and the dad tells us that he hasn't been skiing/to the beach/biking/etc. in 15 years, so he's out of practice, blah blah blah. And, then we get to the mountain/beach/trail, and he whips around at top speed and looks like he practices every weekend. He almost got me killed when we went skiing and he convinced me to go on what he called a "family trail" that turned out to be what I now refer to as Scary Death/I'm Never Going Skiing Again Trail.

A turned to me on Sunday morning and jokingly said, "Hey, he's Italian! What do you expect?" And, we had fun riding 7 miles all together - at which point, my little family was about to drop. (R actually asked to go home, where he promptly fell asleep on my lap for an hour!) The other dad rode for 2 more hours after the rest of us stopped. Darn show-off! :-)

Lost My Appetite Surprise
Recently, I started reading a cooking blog written by a couple that lives in my town. I didn't know who they were, but I heard about the blog from our town's email discussion list, checked it out, and liked it enough to read it occasionally. Their tastes aren't quite like mine, but I liked reading their posts and admiring their nice food photos.

This morning, I found they had posted a few pictures of themselves. I couldn't help yelling out, "NOOOOOOO!!!!" Because I recognized this couple. They often ride the same bus as A and me in the morning. And, every time I see them get on, I groan. (And, I'm not the sole groaner.) Because they are very, shall I say, amorous on the bus. Which doesn't necessarily annoy me, but they always sit right in the front of the bus (in the seats that you're supposed to save for older folks, people with babies, people with disabilities, etc.) and put on their "show" for everyone to see. If they were teenagers, I think I would just shrug it off. But they are probably in their late 30s! And, yes, it's wonderful that they are so affectionate and in love with each other at this point in their lives, but it feels really weird and icky to see them kissing and nuzzling and stroking each other during the entire bus ride. Plus, if someone who is elderly or has a baby or crutches does get on, neither of them get up to give up their seat, which makes me really mad.

So, I'm all done with that blog. Anyone have some Pepto?

Friendly Skies Surprise
I have two weeks off at the end of the summer, and my mom hasn't been up to visit in about two years, so I wanted to buy her tickets to come spend time with me and R. I checked flight prices several times, and I hemmed and hawed because the prices were fluctuating, and I couldn't always find good times or non-stop flights. After conferring with my mom several times, I decided one night to just buy the darn things and get it over with - especially since my mom needed to know which days to take off from her job.

Now, normally, I am VERY good with details. Of course, I make mistakes in my life, but not usually about dates, times, things that need to be brought to school, etc. Well, apparently, that's changing. Or else I shouldn't ever do anything online after 9 pm. Because I bought the tickets last week, called my mom and gave her all the info, and didn't think anything more about it ... until I went to put the info on our wall calendar at home yesterday. And, I realized that I bought the tickets for the week before my vacation -- when I would be working and R would still be in camp. Doh!

I changed the dates this morning. On the bright side, now my mom doesn't have to change planes, and the times still worked out pretty well. But it cost me a heck of a lot of money to make the change. Argh. Mostly, I'm just SO mad at myself for making such a dumb mistake. But I guess I need to get used to it. Last week, we were all set to go to a big music festival that our friend's son was organizing. When we called our friend to get the last-minute details about the next day, she said, "What the heck are you talking about?" The festival is THIS weekend.

Maybe I just need more sleep.

And fewer surprises, thank you. :-)

A quick request

Hey, there. I just wanted to post a little prayer (or happy thoughts, if you're not the praying kind) request. A and I are having a difficult time right now. I've been pretty sad and angry with him for awhile, and the last week or so has been the worst, unfortunately exacerbated by a lot of sadness and change going on around us -- R's teacher being laid off, his two best friends moving away, people leaving my company in droves for better jobs, etc.

R continues to be the light of our lives, which is wonderful. But if you could remember A and me to God today, I'd be so grateful.

Happier post to come soon, I promise!

Little things CAN make a difference

I love when simple opportunities come up for me to actually do something to help others, and the We Are THAT Family blog is a great place to find those opportunities.

This week, Kristen from We Are THAT Family is organizing an effort to make pillow case dresses for girls in Africa, where she recently went on a trip with the Compassion organization. I can't sew, but I can donate pillow cases and other sewing items and more for other people to make the dresses. How easy is that?!? Read Kristen's post to find out about the effort and what you can do!

I sponsor two boys through Compassion, both of whom are around R's age - one lives in Uganda, the other in Haiti. (Please pray for both of them!) I've received two photos of one of my boys - in both pictures, he was wearing new clothes that he was very happy and proud of and that he wrote to me about. One of the outfits he bought with his money for Christmas, along with a goat for his family, some soap, a cake, and a soda. But in both pictures, he's wearing girls' shoes. Maybe he doesn't know or maybe he does and it doesn't bother him - I don't know. But that just broke my heart. Especially when I think about how much I spend on R's shoes. Or, how much teasing a boy would endure here for wearing pink girls sneakers. So, helping with the pillow case dresses is a connection for me to my "son" in Uganda, to children in Africa, a small, yet powerful way that I can help.

If you know of other projects like this, please share!

Just beachy

We've been so lucky with the weather recently! On Sunday, we headed up to Gloucester to check out another beach with some friends. It was perfectly sunny, warm, and breezy. The beach was absolutely beautiful. Clean, sparkly sand, big rocks for climbing on, and WARM water. We waded in the ocean almost the whole time. Unbelievable for May in New England!

R played and ran and splashed and climbed non-stop. He and his friend had so much fun together. It made me happy and relieved. R has been having some bad episodes recently where he can't control his frustration - usually because of schoolwork or disagreements with friends. So, giving him the opportunity to run and be free and get dirty and wet and explore to his heart's content gives my heart peace.

Because we've been going up to Gloucester so much, we decided to spend a week of our summer vacation there. I found a beautiful carriage house for rent that's steps away from the ocean, with tons of room (including bunk beds for R and friends), a fireplace, Weber grill and patio, and a jacuzzi tub. So it'll be a fun way to end the summer after R's camp is over and before school begins. We can hit the beaches, go on a whale watch, go hiking and rockhounding, and check out the shops and antique stores in Rockport. I can't wait!

Weekend adventures

Last weekend was so nice! It was darn hot around here (in the 90s!), so after soccer and swimming lessons and a bit of weeding and mulching, my boys and I headed up to Gloucester for some rock-climbing, beachcombing, sea glass-hunting, and dinner-eating by the water. We've been doing that a lot recently, even during the wintertime. We really love it up there. It makes me happy to see R have so much freedom to climb and run and explore. (Although we did have to give him a time out for leaping from rock to rock and running way ahead of us on the cliffs.) I found tons of sea glass, as well as some beautiful beach rocks that I brought home to place in my garden.

My boys on the cliffs - see how R is scampering ahead?

R throws rocks into the ocean

The sun was very bright :-)

Sunday was my trip to Salvage Chic with my friend, Brenda. Oh boy, that shop had me written all over it. I could have spent hours browsing and re-browsing through every nook and cranny. I have to go back with A. Brenda was very patient and helped talk me through a few potential purchases, but her decorative and furniture taste is really more modern, so she didn't buy anything for herself. She kept cracking up, though, at the number of items in the shop that she had had in her house growing up.

I went in there looking for some little table or shelves that I could use in my microscopic bathroom. I ended up getting two sunny yellow shelves, a white tool tray, and a tiny box of magnets (for R).

Unfortunately, when I got everything home, I discovered that the shelves are too long for where I wanted to put them. But I'll find another place. I'm still trying to figure out how I want to use the tool tray (any suggestions?), although it will probably become a Lego organizer like pretty much every other storage item in our house.

This weekend, my boys are heading out for some Mother's Day shopping, which means I'll have the house to myself for a few hours. Normally I would watch some HGTV or Pride & Prejudice and take a much-needed nap, but my house is such a mess that I'm going to spend the time cleaning. That will make me so happy. On Sunday, we're going out for brunch and then we're going to work in the yard if the weather cooperates.

Happy Mother's Day to all my mom friends and family! God bless you for all you do!