The boy blew my cover(ing)

My in-laws are visiting for 17 DAYS. Not that I'm counting or anything, but we're only on day 4. (Lord, help me...)

In preparation for their visit, which only happens every couple of years, I went nuts on our house -- organizing, cleaning, sprucing things up. It was absolutely exhausting, but I'm really pleased with how things look right now. Our sun porch, which is also our entryway, used to be a dumping ground for everything we couldn't fit in the house. It's where we had the trash can, recycling, extra pots and pans, our second fridge, R's bike, all of our shoes, outside toys, etc. It was a mess. So I cleaned it all up, threw out a bunch of stuff, brought all the kitchenware back into the kitchen, and even created a little place to sit and put on shoes. The porch needs a coat of paint and a new rug (and a new ceiling and light fixture and...), but it looks 1000 times better than it did. It's open and airy and clean now, and when you enter our house, it actually looks inviting. Yay!

In the living room, I organized 90% of the Lego sets and put them in bins, updated my mantlescape with new framed photos and artwork, and put gifts from the in-laws on display. The coffee table is still covered in Legos, but since it's really the only place for R to play and spread out, that's fine with me.

For the kitchen, I picked up two new tablecloths and a few sets of cloth napkins. We've been using cloth napkins as much as possible recently to save paper, but usually we just use plain white ones. I turn them inside out and refold them repeatedly so we can use them several times before I wash them. (Is that gross?) But, with company here, I wanted to have something nicer. We're not tablecloth people normally, except for major holidays. Okay, really, just on Thanksgiving. Our kitchen table is beat up and nicked and has white rings on it, and we don't mind at all. I like furniture that looks well-loved and used. But A's family is a lot more formal. They use the nice china and tablecloths and crystal every time they entertain.

So, on Wednesday evening after all my preparations, we had A's parents over for dinner. We had a really nice visit and dinner together. (The next night was another matter, but I digress...) Here's what I learned, though: Never to try to pretend that you live differently than you actually do. Because after I had set the table for dinner, R wandered through the kitchen and exclaimed in earshot of my mother-in-law, "Wow, Mommy! What is this thing on the table? It's so nice! Where did you get it? It looks so special! I really like the covering! Look at these fancy napkins!"

What could I do but laugh? I love my sweet little man. Even when he totally rats me out. :-)

New possibilities and more

I was talking to someone about the recent positive changes in my relationship with A, and she said that because I was open to changes there, I'll probably start seeing new opportunities cropping up all around me soon.

Photo: open window...... by karenwithak

Boy, was that the truth!

I was feeling unfulfilled and bored at work. Now, I've got several new opportunities in front of me at my company that have me feeling energized and excited again.

I was feeling overwhelmed and isolated because of R's sensory issues. Then, I found a Yahoo group and other SI parents' blogs. And, while I've been thinking about starting a second blog just to write about our journey with R's issues and his therapy, just reading about the severity of other children's SI issues made me realize that R's are really not that big a deal. I feel so badly for other families' struggles with this, but at the same time, I'm so thankful that our struggle is pretty minimal by comparison. It put everything in perspective and made it feel manageable again.

There have even been lots of little things. A great deal through work for joining a local gym came up, so my friend and I agreed to join and force each other to go. We started this week, and I loved it! Then, I noticed a neighbor throwing out a bunch of stuff one day, and I snagged a sweet little side table. It was dark green and needed some sanding, but I've since painted it white (it's drying from the last coat now), and it will look so nice... somewhere in my house. :-)

So, you know that saying, "When God closes a door, He opens a window"? In my case, He's throwing open windows all over. And, moving in some new furniture. :-)

I wonder what other new possibilities He's got in store...

Sure, crickets are nice...

On Friday night, I got together with six women who were my closest friends from elementary school. I drove to my hometown 45 miles away to meet up with everyone at the house of one friend who still lives there.

It was a really nice night. We reminisced and laughed about the past, shared information and updates about people we grew up with, and told our stories about our jobs, kids, spouses, families. I was so impressed by how confident, smart, and accomplished each woman was.

Everyone seemed to be generally at ease with their lives and choices, but each person (myself included!) also seemed a teensy bit jealous of a different life. The stay-at-home moms lamented the loss of their careers and lack of independence financially, the working-outside-the-home moms wished they could have more time with their kids. Nearly everyone admitted they don't do enough other stuff outside of work or parenting (except for one friend who works out all the time and does 100-mile charity bike rides with her husband!).

And, I couldn't help admiring the hosting friend's house and yard - so much bigger and more updated than mine. Our hometown is a lot more affordable than where I live. Her kids have a lot more room to move inside and outside. Her neighborhood was SO quiet, with just crickets chirping and birds singing at night, with an occasional car passing by.

As I drove home late on Friday night, I wondered if I had made the right choices. Maybe I should have returned to my hometown to raise my family? We could have bought a bigger house with more land, could have been nearer the ocean, could have taken the commuter rail to work. Maybe even if my family wasn't there (although maybe some of them would have stuck around longer or permanently), running into high school friends and their parents on a regular basis would have felt more like home.

But then I drove up to this:

(Photo from Babson.edu)

And this:

(Photo from Ignite Boston!)

And this:

(Photo from The Rundown with Teddy Minch)

Every time I come home to Boston after being away (even, apparently, for a few hours), I feel so happy and peaceful inside. It's home to me.

And, even though I don't live in the city proper anymore (I'm just a few miles outside), the city is still a huge part of my life. Of course, I work there, but it's more than that. It's the subway and the museums and the Common and the shopping and restaurants, and it's the culture and diversity and "metropolitan-ness" I love. And, I'm glad it's part of R's life, too. Yes, we have a small house and a relatively small yard, but we can be in the city in about 10 minutes. Or, we can hop on the bus and ride the T to get pretty much wherever we want. (And, when you have a boy who was obsessed with trains as a toddler, riding the subway is an exciting adventure in itself!) And, we do. We'll decide spur of the moment to go to the Museum of Science or to Castle Island or to the Boston 4th of July fireworks. (On the 4th, we decided at 9:15 to go to the fireworks that were starting at 10:30. We drove for 15 minutes, parked in a $7 garage, walked two blocks, and had the most perfect view of the Boston skyline from the Cambridge side of the Charles River. We were smack in front of the fireworks barge and surrounded by hundreds of thousands of people. It was WONDERFUL!)

So, yes the grass can be greener in the suburbs. But the city is a whole lot more sparkly. :-)

The Face

When R was a toddler, he would often give us "the face." If he was frustrated or annoyed, he'd tilt his head down, frown, and peer at us from underneath his furrowed brow. And, sometimes, he'd make that face just to be cute. It was pretty darn adorable.

A couple of weeks ago when it was crazy hot outside, I made popsicles from some strawberries and raspberries that we needed to eat up. (My new favorite food and mom blogger Melissa at Another Lunch inspired me.) I pureed them with some ice, a bit of seltzer, and half a can of San Pellegrino Aranciata. I filled our very small popsicle tray, but still had a lot of puree left over. So, I grabbed an empty yogurt cup, filled it, covered it with plastic wrap, poked a wooden popsicle stick through the plastic, and set it in the freezer.

A few days later when I handed the popsicle to R (after we both giggled at the sheer size of it), he asked me to grab the camera and take his picture.

I give you: The Return of the Face!

It took three days for R to finish the thing, but it was very refreshing!

All Good Things...

Tomorrow is R's last day of kindergarten. He's very excited, mostly because he can't wait for summer camp. Every time R mentions that tomorrow is the last day, he looks at me, and asks, "Why are you sad, Mommy?"

I'm sad because I will miss R's teacher and her support and her patience with R and her appreciation of his talents and personality. We don't know yet if she'll still have a job in the fall, but I pray every day that she will.

I'm sad because several of R's close friends are moving away - to Sweden, to neighboring towns, to France. And, a few more of them are going to their home countries for almost the entire summer.

I'm sad because R and I won't have Thursdays off together this summer. (Camp is 5 days a week for 8 weeks, from 8:10 to 4:30 between the bus ride and actual camp time.) That means less time for going to the beach, the Museum of Science, the sprinkler park.

Mostly I'm sad that my little man is another year older.

We went to see Toy Story 3 on Father's Day, and there's a part in the movie where the mom goes into now grown-up Andy's room after he's packed everything up to head to college. His room is nearly empty, and he's leaving. And, it hit me that some day, R will pack up his things and go to college and probably never live with us again. (Unless the economy hasn't turned around by then...) And, I cried.

I'm proud of R and of all he has learned this year. He learned to read and to write full sentences. He became a whiz at math and strengthened his fascination with science. He developed a love for art - and gym class. He made tons of new friends of all ages, ethnicities, and cultures. He adapted to so many new experiences and was recognized for his deep empathy and for his kindness to his classmates. He had an amazing year.

Still, when R announced tonight that he had visited the first grade classrooms today, my heart broke a little. But it mended later when R told me that he never wants to go to college if it means he won't be able to live with me anymore.

Luckily, Harvard and MIT are only a short bus ride away. ;-)

A Glimpse of Chez Fieryboots: Jars, Jars, Jars

I love canning jars. When I first learned about eBay about 10 years ago, I got a bit obsessed and bought several old blue canning jars. I would have kept bidding on and buying more until I visited several local antiques stores and discovered that old canning jars are pretty common. So I didn't need to shell out extra money to have them shipped to me.

My favorites are the old blue ones - Mason and Ball jars - but I have a few clear, newer ones as well. And, after A and I stopped canning our own preserves, we decided to use all the little jelly jars as drinking glasses. My father-in-law always makes fun of them, but I love them. They're durable and inexpensive and casual, and they fit in well with our style.

We definitely have a canning jar theme going on in our house.

This one is filled with sand and shells from our beach excursions

(The little jar holds my sea glass collection) 

This one houses a small portion of R's extensive rock collection

I keep this one on the mantel where I can easily drop in stray rocks that R leaves everywhere

 This one is in the kitchen window, holding more beach shells and stones and sea glass

(The rectangular vase holds magnetic letters and numbers that R no longer uses - I love how colorful they are)

So, when the Nester listed these Mason jar soap dispensers by Midwest Finds as one of her favorite summer Etsy finds, I had to have one!

Here's my new soap dispenser for the bathroom sink:

I'm in love.

As soon as they're back in stock, I'll have to get another one for my dishwashing soap!

God is an awesome DJ

Thank you for your prayers after my recent post about A and me. They definitely worked.

It's so strange to be in this very dark place and to be losing hope for so long and to start feeling like something drastic and bad is going to happen, and then the clouds clear and there is hope again. I feel almost silly - as if I shouldn't have been so upset - because things are so much better, it's like there was never a problem, so what was I worrying about?

But, really, things between A and me were very bad for a long time, and I felt like I was drowning. I had reached the point where I wasn't even sure what to pray for anymore. I felt numb and completely alone. And, I've found in my life, that that's where God steps in. Not that he's not stepping in the whole time, but I guess for me it's more noticeable when I'm a sack of despair and pity and anger and other assorted yuck, and then I wake up one morning and I feel as if I've been placed on a beautiful beach with sunshine, warm sand, the smell of the ocean, and sparkling water. Life just seems different.

So that's where I've been this week. I realized A and I weren't operating like a couple. We were two people living together, but doing our own thing - as if we were roommates, not partners. My tendency when someone is frustrating me or disappointing me is to think, "Well - I'm just going to have to do X myself!" And, that's what I was doing. About EVERYTHING. And, I was throwing myself into raising R as if I was a single parent. Everything else sucked, but it didn't matter because R was wonderful and he was the center of my life.

And, then R's issues at school were identified, and we started seeing some behavioral problems with him getting along with his friends when he was frustrated. The "perfect" part of my life was disintegrating, and I felt completely overwhelmed by it. Because I was trying to deal with it all on my own, and I couldn't.

Then, last week, I read an article and blog post about how putting your marriage first (instead of your kids) is actually good for your kids. It talked about how when people aren't doing so great in their marriage, they focus all their attention on their kids, and that attention is too much - you end up helicopter parenting. And, the kids pick up on the seemingly hidden tension in the home, and problems crop up.

That article was a big, painful slap in the face. But I needed it. Because I was thinking that I was hiding how unhappy I was from R, but of course he noticed. And, when I thought about it, he had been trying to compensate. He had been extra snuggly and cuddly with both A and me recently, telling us both separately how much he loves us, stroking my arm very tenderly, things like that. He was making up for the love that was missing between A and me. And, the absolute last thing on Earth I want is for my problems to affect my child.

After reading that post and benefiting from your prayers - something just clicked. I reached out to A in a way I hadn't in a long time, and I feel like we're a team again. Of course, our team's a little weak and out of practice right now, but I'm hopeful that will change. We still have a lot to talk about and figure out - but I finally feel like we can do that together in a positive, constructive way.

*************

On Thursday, I was listening to the radio in the car when U2's "One" came on. I love that song, but it's one of those songs for me where I know all the words, but haven't a clue what they mean. This time I heard these parts in particular - and not in the right order:

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

And, I knew God was in the DJ's booth that morning.

The "we're one, but we're not the same" part really struck me. Because that's what marriage is. Two people who aren't the same, who have different personalities and needs and ways of coping, trying to be one. And, that's really freaking hard. It goes against our individual natures (or, at least it goes against mine!). It takes work trying to make one good thing out of two messes. And, if you don't tend to that one thing, it falls apart.

A and I have a lot of tending to do. And, I need to stop deciding that when things get tough, I can do it all by myself. Because I can't. Neither can A. And, I'm guessing that's why God made sure A and I found each other in the first place.