One step forward, one step back, and now we're cha-cha-ing

Last week, I started writing about how great R has been doing. And, for the most part, he is. He started first grade and occupational therapy and an after-school science class and started up again with soccer and swimming. He has a lot of homework - exponentially more than in kindergarten - and he does it willingly and does a good job with it. And, nearly all of it involves writing. He still doesn't love writing, but he does it without the dramatics and arguments and whining and complaining he used in kindergarten (and over the summer). We hadn't even felt the need to have a special meeting with his new teacher (which we fully expected to do when school started) because, from what R had told us, we thought he was participating fully. He talks a lot more this year about projects he's working on, things he's written, etc.

But then his teacher sent home a packet of what he had worked on in school the first two weeks. For all of R's writing assignments, he wrote the shortest possible answers - sometimes one word when he was supposed to be writing 2 or 3 sentences. Argh! So, I emailed his teacher today to set up some time to talk.

I'm frustrated, but trying to stay focused on the improvements I've seen in R. At home, he doesn't get frustrated as easily, and he can even step away sometimes from a frustrating situation. He's told me, "I'm not freaking out, Mommy, I just need to stretch my muscles." He realizes that he needs some physical input, and he makes sure he gets it. He asks us for big bear hugs often.

Even his occupational therapist has been kind of blown away by him. It's like night and day between when he was evaluated and now (four months later). He loves going to therapy because it's a giant playspace - he gets to use a zipline, climb rock walls, jump onto huge inflatable cushions and mattresses, spin around until he's dizzy, make caves out of pillows. Last week, his therapist started working with him on writing, so I'm optimistic about that. She told us that one problem for him is that he holds his pencil much too tightly, in a clenched fist. No one could write for very long like that, so it may explain part of why he doesn't write more than a few words at a time.

I admit I'm having a hard time with all of this. I find it infuriating because I know how smart R is and I'm sure that a big part of his problem is that he just doesn't want to do the work. [Edited to add: OK, that sounds harsh, but I've seen it in action at home. He is fully capable of writing several sentences and drawing a detailed picture when he wants to. Or, building with the tiniest of Legos for hours on end. So, it's hard for me to blame it on fine motor skill issues.] And, I wasn't expecting him to have that attitude this early on in life!

But, he reminds me all the time what an amazing little guy he is - sweet, loving, funny, smart, zany, thoughtful, insightful, and silly. I know I'm blessed to be his mom. Like any parent, I have lots of fears for his future. I just need to set those aside (as many times as it takes) and enjoy him for who he is, the crazy monkey. :-)

Wish I was here

Waves at Halibut Point State Park, the day after Hurricane Earl blew through

So much good stuff, part 1: Vacation

It's been so long since I've posted that it's hard to know where to begin, but I'll start with...

My vacations were AMAZING. (Pictures to come!) We went to New Hampshire for a weekend and went hiking at Flume Gorge, climbed through caves (R's absolute favorite part), played mini-golf, shopped for antiques, waded in a river, and had incredible food. We saw a black bear on the side of the road, which was thrilling and a little scary. (It was staring at us, and it was BIG.) Then, I had a week off at home with R and my mom. We went to the Museum of Science, the local pool, met up with A and my co-workers for a nice Restaurant Week lunch in Boston, and puttered around at home. We took my mom out for Chinese hot pot.

But, then, oh then (my heart flutters), we took a heavenly one-week vacation in Gloucester, MA. We rented a carriage house (which was absolutely beautiful, new, and comfortable) that was a short woodsy path away from a little cove, where we swam and explored and collected hermit crabs and green crabs and found tons of sea glass. We found an incredible state park (Halibut Point) in Rockport that borders the ocean and an old quarry, and A and R spent hours building a fort out of small chunks of granite while I watched the waves. We went there the day after Hurricane Earl came through, and the waves were absolutely breathtaking. We found the artists' colony section of Gloucester and ate dinner on the water, watching people walk up to the restaurant from their boats. We ate much ice cream. We found the local coffee shop and bought breakfast there every morning after we first tasted their scones. We walked to the nearest beach, and R learned to skip rocks on the water. We had friends come to visit many times, and we visited friends who live in Gloucester. We toured our friend's woodworking studio and went back to his house for an impromptu fish fry. His wife sent us home with the biggest cucumbers I have ever seen (they were the size - length and girth - of A's forearm).

It was a magical week, the perfect way to end the summer, and we're already planning to go again next year.

My reward

I survived the 17 days of in-lawdom. The last few days were a bit hairy, but no one was strangled or maimed, so I count that as a success. Now, I have a visit with my own sweet mom coming up, a seaside vacation, and a quick trip to NH for some swimming, hiking, and biking. Then, it'll be back to school and work, back to soccer and swimming lessons, back to the craziness and routine that make the days and months fly by too quickly.

This weekend, though, is my immediate reward. My boys are off on a little adventure, and I have most of a day to myself! I have no set plans yet, but they will definitely include a visit to the gym, some school supplies shopping, some cleaning/organizing at home, a haircut, and (Lord willing) a nap. I'll be missing my boys by the end of it, but for a few blessed hours, I'll be enjoying my sweet reward.

As a mom, it has taken me a long time to appreciate having time to myself. Until pretty recently, I never wanted time away from R. Even when he was an infant, I didn't want anyone else besides A and me to hold him. I wanted to be with him constantly.

Part of that was probably guilt at spending so much time away from him while I was at work. But I felt even from day one that he was MY RESPONSIBILITY alone and that even taking a shower was being a little bit selfish. How crazy is that?

I don't really regret it now, although I do wish I had been a little kinder to myself. If I had allowed myself breaks more often, I might have been less stressed and moody and less ready to get angry at A.

What opened my eyes for good was joining a gym a few weeks ago. There was a deal through work for a gym that has many locations around the Boston area, including one two blocks away from my office and one just down the street from my house. That was hard to pass up. So, my friend at work and I made a pact to join and go together.

I finally understand why people love going to the gym! (Or, at least why moms do.) I have an hour where I can pop in my headphones and block out the world - no one needs me, and I can focus on my own health. The exercise is exhilarating. I love feeling like I'm getting stronger and healthier each time. And, my mood has improved so much overall!

It's an addictive feeling. On the days where I plan to go to the gym but can't make it because of work or other things that come up, it makes me sad. So far, though, my friend and I have been able to squeeze in time here and there during lunch, after work, and early on Saturdays. We try to go at least 3 times a week.

So, I'm going to enjoy and treasure my time at the gym this weekend and my time on my own without my boys - without guilt. The alone time makes me a better mom, a better wife, and a better person. (Plus, my house will stay clean for at least an hour, instead of the usual 10 seconds.)

And, on the flip side, my boys get to spend some great father-son time together. It's a win for everybody.

Happy weekend, everyone! I'm off to pack my gym bag...

The boy blew my cover(ing)

My in-laws are visiting for 17 DAYS. Not that I'm counting or anything, but we're only on day 4. (Lord, help me...)

In preparation for their visit, which only happens every couple of years, I went nuts on our house -- organizing, cleaning, sprucing things up. It was absolutely exhausting, but I'm really pleased with how things look right now. Our sun porch, which is also our entryway, used to be a dumping ground for everything we couldn't fit in the house. It's where we had the trash can, recycling, extra pots and pans, our second fridge, R's bike, all of our shoes, outside toys, etc. It was a mess. So I cleaned it all up, threw out a bunch of stuff, brought all the kitchenware back into the kitchen, and even created a little place to sit and put on shoes. The porch needs a coat of paint and a new rug (and a new ceiling and light fixture and...), but it looks 1000 times better than it did. It's open and airy and clean now, and when you enter our house, it actually looks inviting. Yay!

In the living room, I organized 90% of the Lego sets and put them in bins, updated my mantlescape with new framed photos and artwork, and put gifts from the in-laws on display. The coffee table is still covered in Legos, but since it's really the only place for R to play and spread out, that's fine with me.

For the kitchen, I picked up two new tablecloths and a few sets of cloth napkins. We've been using cloth napkins as much as possible recently to save paper, but usually we just use plain white ones. I turn them inside out and refold them repeatedly so we can use them several times before I wash them. (Is that gross?) But, with company here, I wanted to have something nicer. We're not tablecloth people normally, except for major holidays. Okay, really, just on Thanksgiving. Our kitchen table is beat up and nicked and has white rings on it, and we don't mind at all. I like furniture that looks well-loved and used. But A's family is a lot more formal. They use the nice china and tablecloths and crystal every time they entertain.

So, on Wednesday evening after all my preparations, we had A's parents over for dinner. We had a really nice visit and dinner together. (The next night was another matter, but I digress...) Here's what I learned, though: Never to try to pretend that you live differently than you actually do. Because after I had set the table for dinner, R wandered through the kitchen and exclaimed in earshot of my mother-in-law, "Wow, Mommy! What is this thing on the table? It's so nice! Where did you get it? It looks so special! I really like the covering! Look at these fancy napkins!"

What could I do but laugh? I love my sweet little man. Even when he totally rats me out. :-)

New possibilities and more

I was talking to someone about the recent positive changes in my relationship with A, and she said that because I was open to changes there, I'll probably start seeing new opportunities cropping up all around me soon.

Photo: open window...... by karenwithak

Boy, was that the truth!

I was feeling unfulfilled and bored at work. Now, I've got several new opportunities in front of me at my company that have me feeling energized and excited again.

I was feeling overwhelmed and isolated because of R's sensory issues. Then, I found a Yahoo group and other SI parents' blogs. And, while I've been thinking about starting a second blog just to write about our journey with R's issues and his therapy, just reading about the severity of other children's SI issues made me realize that R's are really not that big a deal. I feel so badly for other families' struggles with this, but at the same time, I'm so thankful that our struggle is pretty minimal by comparison. It put everything in perspective and made it feel manageable again.

There have even been lots of little things. A great deal through work for joining a local gym came up, so my friend and I agreed to join and force each other to go. We started this week, and I loved it! Then, I noticed a neighbor throwing out a bunch of stuff one day, and I snagged a sweet little side table. It was dark green and needed some sanding, but I've since painted it white (it's drying from the last coat now), and it will look so nice... somewhere in my house. :-)

So, you know that saying, "When God closes a door, He opens a window"? In my case, He's throwing open windows all over. And, moving in some new furniture. :-)

I wonder what other new possibilities He's got in store...

Sure, crickets are nice...

On Friday night, I got together with six women who were my closest friends from elementary school. I drove to my hometown 45 miles away to meet up with everyone at the house of one friend who still lives there.

It was a really nice night. We reminisced and laughed about the past, shared information and updates about people we grew up with, and told our stories about our jobs, kids, spouses, families. I was so impressed by how confident, smart, and accomplished each woman was.

Everyone seemed to be generally at ease with their lives and choices, but each person (myself included!) also seemed a teensy bit jealous of a different life. The stay-at-home moms lamented the loss of their careers and lack of independence financially, the working-outside-the-home moms wished they could have more time with their kids. Nearly everyone admitted they don't do enough other stuff outside of work or parenting (except for one friend who works out all the time and does 100-mile charity bike rides with her husband!).

And, I couldn't help admiring the hosting friend's house and yard - so much bigger and more updated than mine. Our hometown is a lot more affordable than where I live. Her kids have a lot more room to move inside and outside. Her neighborhood was SO quiet, with just crickets chirping and birds singing at night, with an occasional car passing by.

As I drove home late on Friday night, I wondered if I had made the right choices. Maybe I should have returned to my hometown to raise my family? We could have bought a bigger house with more land, could have been nearer the ocean, could have taken the commuter rail to work. Maybe even if my family wasn't there (although maybe some of them would have stuck around longer or permanently), running into high school friends and their parents on a regular basis would have felt more like home.

But then I drove up to this:

(Photo from Babson.edu)

And this:

(Photo from Ignite Boston!)

And this:

(Photo from The Rundown with Teddy Minch)

Every time I come home to Boston after being away (even, apparently, for a few hours), I feel so happy and peaceful inside. It's home to me.

And, even though I don't live in the city proper anymore (I'm just a few miles outside), the city is still a huge part of my life. Of course, I work there, but it's more than that. It's the subway and the museums and the Common and the shopping and restaurants, and it's the culture and diversity and "metropolitan-ness" I love. And, I'm glad it's part of R's life, too. Yes, we have a small house and a relatively small yard, but we can be in the city in about 10 minutes. Or, we can hop on the bus and ride the T to get pretty much wherever we want. (And, when you have a boy who was obsessed with trains as a toddler, riding the subway is an exciting adventure in itself!) And, we do. We'll decide spur of the moment to go to the Museum of Science or to Castle Island or to the Boston 4th of July fireworks. (On the 4th, we decided at 9:15 to go to the fireworks that were starting at 10:30. We drove for 15 minutes, parked in a $7 garage, walked two blocks, and had the most perfect view of the Boston skyline from the Cambridge side of the Charles River. We were smack in front of the fireworks barge and surrounded by hundreds of thousands of people. It was WONDERFUL!)

So, yes the grass can be greener in the suburbs. But the city is a whole lot more sparkly. :-)