Let me introduce myself

Hi, I'm Kristen. I used to write this blog. Nice to meet you!

I don't know what the heck has happened. I've started to write posts at least five times over the last few weeks, and just couldn't finish them. So much is going on with me, yet I've found it impossible to write about it. And, life has been a whirlwind recently. Our time has been filled with work, school, and fun, but it's all going by so quickly that I think I've been avoiding the computer at night just to try to have some slow time.

But here we are, it's December, and the year is nearly over. This week, we have our parent-teacher conference with R's teacher, our company's holiday party and awards ceremony (during which I'll get my tenure award for being there for 10 years, which I find a little depressing), cards to mail out (I finally got motivated this year to get them done!), decorations to put up, a tree to buy, a birthday party to attend. The week hasn't begun yet, and I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

In the midst of all the craziness, though, life has been pretty nice. Thanksgiving with my sister, brother-in-law, and my dad was mellow and comfy and delicious. A, R, and I went to our favorite seaside Massachusetts town last weekend to climb rocks, explore the beach, and look for shells and seaglass. We ate lunch while we watched some men build a huge Christmas tree made out of lobster traps in the center of town. I love New England.

 

Yesterday, we met up early (9 am!) with a classmate of R's and his family, and we all headed to the Harvard Museum of Natural History - in particular, its gems and minerals collection because R has apparently started a new fad among his classmates after he brought in his favorite gems for show-and-tell. After the kids practically ran through the exhibits, we all walked into Harvard Square for hot chocolate, a stop at the outdoor sports store, and lunch at a Harvard Square landmark. The kids got along famously, and A and I had a nice time getting to know the other parents better. It was a cold day and there was fresh snow on the ground, so we spent most of the time watching the kids run through the snow, pick up ice, eat snow, and throw snow and ice at each other while we desperately coaxed the kids to move along so we could get inside and get warm. But it was really fun.

I've been a little depressed about Christmas. Partly because, without much family in the area, I feel like I have to work really hard to make Christmas traditions and special memories for R. I've tried keeping alive the Advent traditions that I grew up with, but A and R aren't that into it. The two of them also aren't that into helping me decorate for Christmas (and, man, do I hate decorating the tree by myself). But I realized last night that days like yesterday - full of fun with friends, cold noses and fingers, snow, and hot cocoa - are precious Christmas memories, too. Soon we'll go with other friends to the local zoo for their holiday lights display (our fourth year), and on Christmas Eve or right around there, we'll go to Edaville Railroad with lots of friends for lights, rides, fireworks, hot cider, and music (our third year). Those events have become our traditions, and I'm sure we'll add a few more as the years go on. I'm already thinking about having a special family dinner at the Melting Pot. Mmmmmm, fondue.....

I love my life

In spite of my midlife crisis, I've had a lot of moments recently when I've thought to myself, "I love my life!" This is one of those moments:

I'm stretched out on the couch under a warm blanket with a cat on my lap and a fire in the fireplace. I'm listening to A read bedtime stories to R upstairs. And, I can hear the stove making noises as it heats up my mulled cider mixed with blueberry port. I have a book to read (Jane Austen, of course!). The laundry is folded, the house is reasonably clean. It was a beautiful fall day, and I got to spend a few hours of it outside with my boys, raking leaves.

Life is good. :-)

So THIS is a midlife crisis... and Jane Austen is bad for me

It dawned on me last week that I'm having my midlife crisis. And that it's been going on for a few months. My version of a midlife crisis has included (so far):

• Buying a new wardrobe (not so bad and actually was a long time coming; could be considered a necessity)
  
• Going out more often with girlfriends (a good thing!)
• Freaking out about R getting older (understandable) 

Those aren't anything to worry about. But here's the more recent set of crisis behaviors:

• Reading Jane Austen novels over and over again, especially Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion
• Watching movies of Jane Austen novels over and over again, especially Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion
• Getting frustrated with real life because people and relationships aren't like they are in Jane Austen novels
  
• Losing sleep from re-hashing in my mind stupid things I did in the past
• Playing the "What if?" game (i.e., playing out scenarios in my head in which I chose different paths in my past)

I suppose I could be doing far worse things - heaven knows I've been witness to some disastrous midlife crises among my friends. (Although A's has been pretty tame. He's just buying guitars and amplifiers and taking guitar lessons online.)

The Jane Austen stuff is just funny. I love her novels, nearly all of them anyway. And, every few years, I pull them out and read them until the wee hours of the night because I can't put them down. And, I get lost in the romance and that time period and wish I lived back then. But eventually I realize that women's lives were pretty darn crappy then. Also, that I probably wouldn't have been a member of the gentry. I think with my family background, I would have been some kind of scullery maid. So the longing wears off. :-) Plus, my gut tells me that even in Jane Austen's times, men did not actually write letters like Mark Darcy's and Frederick Wentworth's.

Re-hashing mistakes from my past - well, a little remorse can be a good thing. But I try not to dwell on it too much because there isn't much I can do to change things or make amends now. I was young once and stupid sometimes.

The "What if?" game could be dangerous. What if I had dated this person or that person instead of just being friends? But as I've thought about these things, I've actually re-realized that A and I were truly meant to be together. It reminded me that A is the right person for me and always has been (even if he has never written me a letter about how I pierce his soul - darn it, Jane Austen!). Although the path I took to find him may have had some crazy turns and detours, I ended up in the right place.

Maybe it's not my midlife crisis. Maybe I should call it my midlife renewal.

Somebody please slap me

I don't know why I don't learn. But every single time I've mentioned to someone that R doesn't get sick very often (which is true!), the NEXT DAY he comes down with a bug. (Luckily, I've only said this about three times. But still!)

So I did it again on Thursday when talking to another mom at the playground, and by Friday night, R was not himself. Yesterday he was coughing a lot. Last night, I was up with him several times to give him Tylenol, popsicles, take his temp, etc. Today he felt better except for a sore throat. But then the fever came back this evening, and as he fell asleep, he looked so sad and sick. Kind of like this:

That's one of the pumpkin faces he designed today. Because earlier today, he was feeling better. Enough that he was bouncing around the house and jumping on A and making up a song called "Daddy Is a Trampoline." So we took him outside because it was absolutely amazingly beautiful and we had some yard work to do.

We raked and mowed and washed out our rain barrel and cut plants down for the winter. And, R was a huge help. Then he started getting more listless and was complaining about his throat. So, we went inside and fed him a gazillion popsicles and read him stories and snuggled with him on the couch. (We still stuck to the no TV thing - amazing! And, it really wasn't that hard!) Then, I roasted a chicken and A roasted a bunch of vegetables (leeks, carrots, fingerling potatoes, zucchini, mushrooms, and shallots - drizzled with olive oil and herbs), and we had the most delicious dinner. R ate quite a bit in spite of his yuckiness.

After dinner we listened to music, got PJs on, then tucked R in his bed for storytime and bedtime. Poor little man.

I feel so bad for him because it definitely looks like he'll be staying home tomorrow, and he is sad about missing school. Plus, he's probably going to have to go to the doctor's and get his first-ever throat culture. But, worst of all, our work is having a Hallowen party with trick-or-treating and a sundae party for all the employees' kids tomorrow afternoon, and he's probably going to have to miss it. I'm not looking forward to breaking that news to him. :-(

So, please, if you ever hear me start to say something about R's general good health, just give me a good ol' slap in the head. Apparently it's the only way I'll ever learn.

Unexpected time

I don't know quite what to do right now. R came down with a bad cold or a mild virus (not sure which), and he fell asleep more than an hour early tonight. A is off at his ancient coin club meeting. So I have an unexpected few hours to myself.

I could...

• wash the dishes
• fold laundry
• work out
• clean the bathroom
• read
• Facebook
• write letters to my Compassion kids
• search for a pumpkin cranberry bread recipe online
• do a combination of some or all of the above.

I'm so much more productive without TV! The no-TV thing has actually been really easy so far. R has only asked to watch it once, but only because he forgot about Turn Off the TV Week. When we reminded him, he was fine. And, I've been getting to bed by 10 or 10:30, which is AMAZING for me.

The best part so far was Friday night. R laid down on the couch, snuggled up under a blanket. We had a lovely fire going in the fireplace. A was reading Alice in Wonderland aloud. R fell asleep. The cat came out of hiding and decided to lay down on R (first time ever! we took a picture). Eventually, A scooped up R, carried him upstairs, and we tucked him into bed. The house was quiet except for the crackle of the fire. Absolute heaven.

Well, I don't want to waste this time to myself. Have a great night!

Homework

Tomorrow is the beginning of "Turn off the TV" week at R's school. A and I decided that if we're going to support R, we need to participate, too. For each day that R doesn't watch any TV or use the computer or play video games, we fill out a coupon and send it to school. If the whole school earns 1,000 coupons, then the school gets a big surprise prize. Fun!

I'm excited to see what things I do instead of watching TV. I'm guessing I'll do a lot of reading and that I'll get to bed much earlier. But I'm hoping to play the piano and do some painting, too. We'll see!

Looking back

I've been thinking a lot lately about people from my past. Mostly about how strange it is to be so close to someone for so long and to spend so much time with someone and then not to. Not suddenly (usually), but over time as life changed.

Facebook has brought up a lot of this for me. As I've reconnected on the weird, mostly superficial level that Facebook creates (I haven't talked to you since high school, but now I know what you had for breakfast), I've mourned silently the loss of some of these people from my daily life. That mourning never took place when the separations happened. It's all getting dredged up now. And, it seems like I'm not alone. I've received more than a few emails from people apologizing for things in the past and genuinely wondering why we stopped talking long ago.

Over the weekend, I found and played an old mix tape that I made a few months before I met A. I called it, "A Mix for the Worst Week of 1996 So Far." Man, there is some great music on there! But it took me quite awhile to remember why that week was so bad. Finally, I remembered that it involved an all-out war between me and another woman, who was actually the childhood best friend of my best friend and roommate. She was also dating my best friend H from high school - a guy who had had a crush on me for years. A bunch of us used to hang out all the time, but there was a lot of tension between the two of us (she is also named Kristen), and finally we held an intervention of sorts to get the bitterness out in the open because our mutual friends couldn't take it anymore. And, I had been dating this clown, I mean guy who after almost two months decided to tell me that he was moving to LA and had been planning to all along. So that's what constituted my worst week that year. LOL.

These memories make me laugh and wistful at the same time. I think it's so funny that my life had so much drama in those days. But not really important drama, just silliness and pettiness. It didn't feel that way at the time, of course, but looking back on it now, I laugh at my angst. No one was sick or dying, divorcing, trying to conceive and couldn't, no one lost their job or couldn't pay their bills. On the one hand, life now seems much more important and serious. But at the same time, my life now seems pretty boring in comparison. I don't have that 20-something angst anymore. I don't have the whole, awful dating thing to deal with. Life is good and comfortable and peaceful.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Except that it's weird how it all turned out in the end. In those days, I spent nearly every waking hour it seemed with those friends, especially my friend H from high school and then later his best friend and roommate, R. I loved that time and those people, even with all the turmoil and hurt feelings and messiness. I caused a lot of that hurt and messiness myself.

Last week, my friend R sent me a link to his wedding photos. I haven't seen him in years and we've only emailed each other here and there. It was the strangest thing looking at his wedding pictures and seeing him in his life that I don't know and that I'm not even minutely a part of. I've never met his wife. He's never met my son. And, that made me really sad. My once best friend, someone I thought I'd be around forever, is now a stranger.

The other Kristen and I keep in touch today. A and I met her for lunch when she was in town visiting two weeks ago. She watched R while A and I sang during our friends' wedding. My former rival is now my friend.

Part of me thinks that this is just the way life is - people come and go, their importance changes, and you move on with some sadness but not really noticing either. But then I look at A - he is still friends with almost everyone he knew from high school and beyond. He makes friends and keeps them. He doesn't see them all the time, but the friendships are still there. There doesn't seem to be many endings in his relationships. And, I wonder why there are in mine.