This week, A and I have been attempting to fix a problem with R that started more than a year ago. It's completely our own fault. When we moved R to a big boy bed, the only way we could figure out to keep him in it at bedtime was to lay down with him until he fell asleep. Eventually, that also morphed into R waking up at some point during the night and requiring my presence. So, I've pretty much been sleeping in R's bed for many, many months.
Sometimes it's lovely. I get to snuggle with my sweet boy and watch him sleep and see his happy, smiley face first thing in the morning. But other times, it makes me grumpy. I want to sleep in my own bed where I'm much more comfortable because I'm not being kicked or elbowed or pinned down by legs and arms or given merely inches of space in which to occupy my body. And, I get tired of being needed all day and all night. I need some space for me. And, of course, sleeping in the same bed as A would be nice, too!
Mostly, though, I think the lack of good sleep has been affecting my overall mood and my patience level with R. He's really been grating on my nerves recently. I held it together most of the time that A was gone last week, but on Sunday, it all welled up and I had a bit of a meltdown. I hid most of it from R and tried to just escape to another room instead of screaming and yelling, but he still said, "Mommy, you're scaring me!" And, of course, that made me feel like a pile of dog doo. I think if I get some adequate sleep, I'll be better able to tolerate when he wipes his marker-stained fingers on my clothes or climbs onto the pollen-covered hood of the car for the 1,000th time or takes off down the street without A or me.
So, for the last two nights, we've worked on getting R to fall asleep on his own. He's done it before (well, a handful of times besides when he was in the crib), but he's had a rough time this week. Last night was awful. He cried (mostly fake, but some real) for close to two hours and sorrowfully whined about being lonely. We did go up and check on him and reassure him every so often, but in the end, he pretty much collapsed from exhaustion. He (and we!) did sleep without interruption until about 4 a.m. He yelled for me then, so I went in to check on him and gently refused to climb into bed with him but told him he could come in our room (which is fine with me), so he did.
It's been hard, but the end result has been very good so far: I've slept all night in my own bed, I didn't wake up with a sore neck and shoulders, and - miracle of all miracles - I was able to get up in the morning, take a shower, get dressed, and eat breakfast while A and R slept. Usually, as soon as I stir, R wakes up, cries as if I'm leaving him for a year, and I have to turn the TV on to entertain him while I get ready for work. (Well, I know I don't *have* to, but that's generally what works.) And, today I got to work on time!
We've also been trying to emphasize R's accomplishment at sleeping by himself. Because another big thing that bothers me about my sleeping in his bed is that maybe I've somehow led him to believe that he can't do it by himself, that he's not strong enough emotionally. So, we've been asking him how he feels in the morning this week - if he feels proud. I'm trying to push the personal independence and satisfaction. He doesn't go for rewards or bribes - we've tried that before - you know, if you sleep by yourself for three nights this week, you can get a new Lego kit. His love for a new toy does not outweigh his love for his mama or at least his desire to have a giant warm body next to him at night. But anyway...
Today has been lovely since: I walked to the train station this morning in the beautiful sunshine, I've been happy and smiling all day at work, and I've had time to talk to God.
Keep your fingers crossed for night #3 of Operation Snooze!
8 comments:
Sweetheart,
you are in a situation that I know nothing about. When you were born I wanted you to sleep with us. Your Mother was against it. I think that she was afraid for you because I do tend to thrash and kick while I sleep. My snoring has been known to drive female grizzly bears into heat.
My family kept newborns in the parent's room and I remember the day they brought my brother home from the hospital and I was banished to another room. I must have been five then and I don't think a five year old should be always in his parent's room, barring nightmares and thunder storms.
You had trouble sleeping at Rix's age and that is when Doctor Gormely got us the two gallon bottle of Benadryl. He also told us that a cheeseburger and vanilla shake would have the same effect.
Does Rix have any fears about sleeping alone? If he does, a nightlight might help. Look up the problem in Doctor Spock, he almost always has a solution to most problems. If he doesn't, consult the ultimate authority, your Mother. She has the same knack that you do of almost always knowing the right thing to do. She is caring and loving but knows when it is necessary to be stern,
all of my love, always, daddy
These are hard habits to break, but I think you are going about it right...it will take time, but lots of love and consistancy will take care of it in time.
Love and Hugs
Wanda
Been there, done that. It is very hard to break. I suggest the cold turkey method that you are already doing. Anything else takes a big strain on you.
Sweets,
I do feel for you. I remember your own cries in the night that were quickly changed to satisfied smiles upon the entrance of one of your parents. I really don't think it is that much of an emotional need or a fear of being alone or the idea that he is inadequate or unable to accomplish sleeping on his own. I have always had the underlying impression that there is a certain satisfaction in having the power to wield over parents who love their children enough to jump through hoops for them....because they don't want to hurt their psyches! As Wanda suggested, consistency and loving firmness is what is needed. The ordeal can be pretty unpleasant at times, but it shouldn't last. I'll be praying for you. Oh, we only used Benadryl once or twice and the cycle was broken. Love, Mom
Sweets,
I do feel for you. I remember your own cries in the night that were quickly changed to satisfied smiles upon the entrance of one of your parents. I really don't think it is that much of an emotional need or a fear of being alone or the idea that he is inadequate or unable to accomplish sleeping on his own. I have always had the underlying impression that there is a certain satisfaction in having the power to wield over parents who love their children enough to jump through hoops for them....because they don't want to hurt their psyches! As Wanda suggested, consistency and loving firmness is what is needed. The ordeal can be pretty unpleasant at times, but it shouldn't last. I'll be praying for you. Oh, we only used Benadryl once or twice and the cycle was broken. Love, Mom
Oh, man don't give him Benadryl! I mean, I guess it's ok, or was ok, in 1960, to break a pattern.But it can seriously affect memory.
I'm freaking delighted, because I feel like I might have some insight on this!(I'm not delighted that you are sleepless, just delighted in the way I would be if I had pet toads for 8 years and then YOU got a pet toad and were having some issues-like I ACTUALLY KNOW SOMETHING OF VALUE!) I had trouble around this age with all three kids. I tried "good going to bedder charts", punishment, everything. As a last resort, I followed Dr James Dobson's advice from "The Strong Willed Child", a man I respect, but he advocates hitting children, which I do not believe in.(my children do not believe in it either!)What I have found is more John Lennon, "Whatever Gets You Through The Night-It's Alright". Honey, really. Get him a flashlight and a comic book, his own little tv and some Thomas videos. It sounds really crappy, but if he falls asleep, secure and not crying, watching or reading something saved for just this occasion, what harm is there? He will learn how to get up in time for work when he is 24. He's a baby, and you need your sleep. I guarantee he will be asleep in like ten minutes if you set him up in his own bed, in his room. That's the rule we have here, like the old club bartender's proclamation"You don't have to go home but you can't stay here", I tell them, you don't have to go to bed but you can't bother Mommy(unless you have a medical emergency), and I put 3 kids to bed in the same room. And I swear, on a stack of bibles, Mike was the ABSOLUTE WORST as far as this kind of behavior was concerned, and it just totally dissipated when he was about 41/2,due to nothing I'm aware of.(I remember pleading with him"But you have to sleep, sometime!!") It'll be over soon. Really. Next year he will be asking you to leave his room so he can have some privacy(I know that's hard to appreciate right now)But even if you need to put a pile of blankets at the foot of your bed on the floor, lay down with him, and get up and tell him you have stuff to do, but you'll be back, it's not the BE-ALL END-ALL parenting decision. It's getting your kid to sleep without monster invasions, or the "family bed" nightmare-pardon me family bed people, but as aforementioned, we have many kids, 5 in fact, which would require a custom family bed we can't afford. If he's like my kids, he will be a "stowaway" in your bed for the next few years, but if he is going to bed on his own, it's no big deal. But really, I swear to you, really, 5 is like the magic age.(Before that, AJ used to say that "man's had bankies on they heads, and they had boneths,and they say "Mooooo"-ghosts from James Stevens). But whatever you do to get through this time will not screw up your kid. That is at least, extremely longwindedly, what I can tell you. Do what works. Umm, don't necessarily tell any Momzillas at daycare. Your kids going to be fine, just solve this problem the easiest way possible for all of you, and I know you won't do it by giving him ten pounds of candy at bedtime. Dr. Freaking Elliot said "prevent, remove, distract". Give him a distraction. He's not trying to be a giant pain in the ass, it just ends up like that(my words, not yours), he's a good boy,and a little distraction will work wonders.(This is after many years of WHA advises no tv before 5, so I thought I'd share my redneck wisdom)Good luck ,Honey. Love you.
Oh, it's so hard to do what we know is best in the long run, becasue in the short run it's such a difficult change! I'm glad that R is doing well so far, and hope that he's all set by now. It sounds like you guys are doing all the right things!
Laura
PS - did you end up trying the cookies? How'd they go over?
I wish you the best in this. You rock.
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