I started this post on Monday (and couldn't decide whether to publish it or not because I didn't want to be too negative. But the week just keeps getting worse in the R department!
Last weekend wasn't a stellar one for me as a parent. R was very whiney, refusing to listen to us, and jumping around like a crazy person (and then injuring himself repeatedly). And, it got to me. Although Monday was a little easier because we kept R pretty busy with lots of fun things to do, by the end of the day, all of us were flat-out exhausted. So, when I tried to go to the bathroom and was immediately joined by R busting in the room, I was ready to cry. I swear he has some kind of radar - he could be upstairs nowhere near the bathroom, but within seconds of me going in there, I can hear the progression of events: First, I hear him say, "Hey, where's Mommy? Mommy?!? MOMMY!!!" Then, he runs from wherever he is to the bathroom. Then, the door flies open. Then, he asks, "Mommy? What are you doing?" Or, he begs me not to go to the bathroom because I need to come play with him. It doesn't matter that I've been with him for every second of the entire day (and night!). When I asked R why he has to come in the bathroom with me every single time, he thoughtfully said, "It's because I love you." Darn him!
This week, I'm swamped with work and I really needed to work at night this week after putting R to bed. But no dice. On Tuesday night, I started the computer and did about 10 minutes of work before I was summoned to R's room to calm him down from a crazy fit. (Turns out he had to pee, but he was hysterical and flailing his limbs everywhere, and it took me some time to understand what was wrong.) I ended up in his room for the night (again), but he woke up pretty much every 20 minutes crying (bad dreams?), so I got basically no sleep. Which made for a great day at work on Wednesday. :-(
Last night was my night alone with R, but I ended up with food poisoning and had to get R to find the phone and bring it to me so I could call A to come home. We had a horrible time trying to convince R that I could not do bedtime because I was too sick and needed to rest. It eventually worked, but around 11:30 (I think) R woke up upset. I don't remember much now, except that I convinced him to sleep in our room. And, by some miracle, I got a good night's sleep because R wasn't doing his usual kicking me in the back or shoving me off the bed (thank you, Lord!).
But then I tried to take a shower this morning. You'd think that A and I had torn off one of R's arms from the sound and intensity of the screaming. A decided to literally hold him down while I went downstairs to shower. I could hear R screaming, "LET GO OF ME!!!!!!!!!" But when I got out of the shower, all was quiet. Thank goodness.
This stuff automatically makes me feel guilty about not being a stay-at-home mom. It makes me think that maybe R needs me even more right now and that's why he's having such separation issues. But I really do not have a choice in the matter. I'm the primary breadwinner, and that's just how it is (much as I've chafed against it for years). But I really do spend every minute when I'm not at work with R. (Except for last week's ladies' night.) And, a friend suggested to me that that may be the problem. R has no sense of me as my own person - I'm just his mom. So, I guess in a sense I've spoiled him into thinking that I must always be at his beck and call. She suggested that I just take one hour every weekend to do something on my own - even if it's just taking a walk. I think she may be right. At the very least, it would help my sanity. It's wonderful to be needed and adored 97% of the time, but the rest of the time it can be a little much.
But it makes me sad because I've been putting so much effort into compensating for not being with him all the time. And now it turns out that that compensation may be the root of this problem. Ack!
So I'm asking God to guide me here (as always).