Monday, December 15, 2008

Trying to keep things in perspective

I've been having a rough time the last week. A decided to take the contract position at work because it actually meant more money for us, plus we have some time to figure things out. And, there is still a chance his contract could be extended. The only real change for him is that he isn't earning vacation time anymore. He still gets his other benefits (401k, FSA, etc.). So, compared to what so many other people are facing now, we have nothing to complain about.

So I don't know why I'm having such a hard time. I've been depressed, bitter, angry, and completely stressed out and overwhelmed. Part of it is that I actually have to prove to some people in the company that A and some of my other team members are essential to the company. So, not only do we have to do all the work that we were already slated to do before the layoffs, but we have to do even more to wow management. In six weeks. With less help. And no money in the budget. The pressure of that is getting to me. People's jobs are in my hands! You'd think that that challenge would energize me and get me motivated to do my absolute best, but all I've really wanted to do is crawl into a hole. Or win the lottery and never have to worry about work again. LOL.

And, I think I'm sad that some of the plans and dreams I was looking forward to in 2009 most likely won't be possible now. I'm also scared because the last time that I was the main source of income in our family (when R was a baby), I got very resentful of A (because he was the one who "got" to stay home with R) and our marriage almost fell apart. Things are very different now, but it still worries me.

But yesterday at church, we finished up a series on the book of Job. It was a really moving sermon and service and helped me so much, although I had to bolt out of there after the service and bite my lip to keep from crying before I made it out the door. I felt like such a giant weenie at the end for being so down about things. I don't know why God puts up with me, but I'm sure glad he does.

The rest of my Sunday, I felt lighter and happier and relaxed, and that was wonderful. One of R's friends came over and we all made and decorated cookies together. A made his amazing caramels (Hear that, family? They'll soon be on their way to you! If A can keep me from eating them all...). And, later, R and I spent quite a long time playing "What's different in the room?" (where we take turns hiding something or moving something around in the living room and then the other person has to figure it out) and Keep It Up with the balloon R got on Saturday at a birthday party.

Then, before dinner, I let R play a resounding game of "Jump Off the Chair to Catch the Balloon in Mid-Air." When you have a small house and an energetic four-year-old stuck inside in wintertime, you get creative and very lenient.

How could anyone stay depressed when this little guy is around? :-)


Kansas Bob said...

Stress and grief mixed are ingredients for a powerful depressor Kristen. I think that writing like you have might be a bit therapeutic.

I have heard similar feedback from others who remained after mass layoffs.. same work only with less people.. another stressor.

Those feelings may seem a bit convoluted but to me they seem very normal for your situation.. they go to prove that you are still a member of the human race :)

Hope your week is a blessed one!


sandwhichisthere said...

I think that you and Alan have made the right decision. It is always better to be working than to be sitting at home unless you have some other type of income. As a contractor Alan will be able to deduct business expenses such as commuting expense and home office expense. As a contractor he will also be able to take on other work without a conflict. This could be a whole new opportunity for him to expand his field of endeavor.
My thoughts are with you in this time of your trials. The only way to deal with so many complications is to "Keep on keepin on.". You will get through this difficult time somehow. As long as you and your family are intact, you have the core of happiness,
all of my love to you and your family, always, daddy

Wanda said...

Sorry I've missed so many of your posts while I was gone.

This is a stressful time for many, and your depression certainly understandable.

Keeping things in perspective is always a plus.

The pictures of R are darling!

Greg C said...

All I can say is try to focus on the positive things in your life like R and let the negatives go. Keep your eyes and ears open because I have found that opportunity often doesn't knock, it simply passes us by and we have to see it and grab it before it gets away. I will say a little prayer for you.

sandwhichisthere said...

the dark times will pass, they always do. The birds will sing, the Sun will shine, the flowers will bloom.
It is sometimes hard to let the dark times, or the memory of them, go. They can be an unending burden that is hard to put down. Coming from me that ought to mean something as I am recognized internationally as the poster boy for Typical Scandanavian Depression.
The Sun is going to shine tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar yes it is! You have brought happines to me today through your thoughtfulness nine years ago. Blessed is the Father of daughters,
all of my love, always, daddy