Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A funny thing happened

Some of you know how much I've been pining for another baby the last few years. To say that it's been on my mind a lot is a huge understatement. I could go into a whole series of posts about this issue, but I won't. Basically, I wanted another baby and A didn't. Well, he liked the idea of it, but the logistics didn't work out for him (i.e., he feels too old, our house is too small, it would be too much money, etc.). And, I prayed and prayed about it, and cried and cried and cried. For three years.

And, then something happened a few weeks ago. I realized that I love my life the way it is, that we've reached a point in R's life where we can do so much more as a family, and we're having so much fun. Life seems SO much easier.

When I prayed about another baby many, many times, I always asked God to either make it possible for us (i.e., change A's mind) or to take away the longing from me. Of course, I wanted the former. But I got the latter.

That makes me a little sad and a little mad at God, I admit. But at the same time, I know that He knows best. And, I'm secretly wondering if R is going to be a complete handful in a few years, where A and I will need to devote all our energy and selves to parenting him. Who knows? Maybe we couldn't have handled two kiddos. Maybe there's some reason we need to do a really good job raising this one child.

I'm sure the longing that's left me for now will come back from time to time. Over the past week, I've been sorting and washing and folding and bagging up all of R's baby and toddler clothes. They're taking up space in his closet for no reason. And, he wants to use his closet to make a fort. So, I'm giving away almost everything that I've been saving. It has been hard. I thought for sure I would be using all of these things again. But I saved a few of my favorite baby clothes and stashed them away in my hope chest. Maybe for a grandbaby one day?

But, yesterday, when I threw in the first load of baby clothes into the dryer, I had my first moment where I thought, "Wow, I'm glad I don't have to do this anymore." I started the dryer and walked away, only to stop at the bottom of the basement stairs because I heard a horrible noise. It sounded like a bag of rocks was flying around inside the dryer. I went back to check. Nope. Everything looked okay. I started the dryer up again and heard the same noise. Then I realized it was the sound of all those zillions of snaps on all the baby clothes hitting against the drum of the dryer.

I do not miss that awful sound, and I do not miss snapping those snaps.

I think I'm moving on.


Ericka said...

I'm going to guess that giving away the breast pump is not going to be as hard!

But in all seriousness, your boy is so awesome, there's no need for another :)

LEstes65 said...

I'm glad you're feeling peace about this. You are beautiful and awesome!

Stef said...

God does always show us what we're meant to have and do, huh? I'm glad that the answers are clearer now and that you've found peace!


sandwhichisthere said...

some advice I will give and some advice I once got.
1. Don't throw away the crib.
2. Sage advice you gave to me years ago. "When you ask God for something, sometimes the answer is NO!". Imagine being sixty years old with a child in college.
Lightheartedness aside, I remember the sadness when I realized that there would be no more babies. It is easier on a Father. All he has to do is love the babies. He doesn't have to spend the day ruled by what the baby needs. I still remember the sadness.
All of my love and best wishes to you. Somehow everything always works out for the best. Still, there is still the sadness. If you and Alan ever change your minds, please THINK PINK!