Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Con: Evil stomach virus; Pro: 10 pounds lighter!

If anyone is feeling guilty about all the candy they ate last week, just lick your nearest preschooler. You'll pick up a lovely stomach bug that will take care of those calories for you and then some. That's where I've been. (Apparently, this bug is not confined to the Boston metro area - since Lynette's house also got attacked by it in Texas this past weekend.) R had the thing a week before I got it. Luckily, he threw up once, had a teensy fever one night, slept it off, and was fine the next day. I wish I could say the same.

But I'm better now. And my pants are much looser. I guess three days of eating pretty much nothing except an occasional popsicle will do that.

I've been in a stupid, crabby mood for the last week or so (before I got sick), and I'm trying to shake it but having a hard time. I've been praying and asking God to take my bitterness, regret, etc. away, but it's not working because it's one of those times when I really want to wallow in it. I feel like I'm saying, "Here, God, you can take.... this. But. wait. a. second. No. You. can't. have. it. I'm. not. done. feeling. sorry. for. myself. yet!!!!" And, that just doesn't work. You have to mean it, I think, for it to work.

However, just so that I'm not only posting my negative vibes here, this morning when I got off the train, there was a man playing guitar at the station. And, he was playing the same piece I always hear him play. It's a classical piece that I'm sure would be very familiar to everyone (I used to hear it in the old Victoria's Secret stores - when they were lovely, elegant stores that played classical music - not trashy underwear stores with scary, red-light-district-looking mannequins in the windows), but I can't remember the name/composer. (I will post it when I do. UPDATED: I knew I would find it two seconds after posting this... it's Canon in D/Pachelbel's Canon.) Anyway, it always makes me cry because it's just so incredibly beautiful. And, every single time I'm feeling completely rotten and down in the morning, I step off the train and that man is there playing that piece. But he's not there any other time. So, as I told Lynette this morning, I think that's God saying, "Yes, I hear that you're down and life stinks right now. But listen to this! Isn't life beautiful and amazing and magical!?!?!" It's God's way of smacking me upside the head.



Johanna said...

That all turned out really cool! I remember being all churned up and angry and demanding to know WHY GOD WHY,I'm doing all the stuff the Giant Expensive Flower Arrangement in the Bathroom church tells me?!?!?(I don't even remember the exact problem, just that I was panicky about what I needed to do to solve it).And I was stomping through the mall and the light jazz muzak switched over to a real song, one that you rarely hear, that was in Benny and Joon, by John somebody" when the road gets dark, and you can't (lonely?only?hardly?) see, let my love throw a spark, have a little faith in me" and I cried in front of the pretzel stand because I was grateful(although I would have preferred an outline of exactly what was going to happen to me falling from the sky and landing gently at my feet).It's hard to let go of the bad poisonous stuff, I'm glad you are feeling better. Everybody was sick here too, not as vomity though, more boogie-wise. And I lost NO weight, probably am carrying a few extra pounds of mucous. But-SMOKEFREE FOR 7 DAYS TOMORROW!Chantix is wonderful!

LEstes65 said...

As I already told you - I'm so sorry you got so sick. I cracked up at your "just lick your nearest preschooler" comment!!! HAHAHAHA!

As for your prayer and having to mean it. I agree. Most times. I'll tell you what I learned during my whole horrid ordeal in the beginning of 2007...I prayed quite a bit that was probably half-assed at BEST. And I think just the act of TRYING to give it up to God - even if you don't let go - I think he honors that. Because you KNOW he knows what you want/need before you do. It's in the asking - turning to him - talking to him - admitting you need the help. THERE'S the thing. You keep trying. Even if you hold on tight, trust me. God's got a stronger grip than you do, my dear.

I love you. And here's to God lifting us out of our funks!

Trish Ryan said...

Man, gotta love it when God will follow you down into the T station to let you know He's got you covered. Gotta love that!

I hope you're feeling better-mentally, emotionally & physically!

Ericka said...

It's so strange that I find the same things I'm going through on your blog. Not the stomach virus - I kind of wish, I could stand to lose a few pounds - but the resentment/anger thing. I was with my therapist the other day, and she told me about something one of her really old profs said. That you could either let go of your resentment, or build a monument to it. And as you build the monument, something that was very tiny, like a shack, turns into a 15 story building with flying buttresses & all. I had to laugh - because that's exactly what I do! I get mad about one thing - and then drag stuff up from memory that can be used to support it, and then just think about all that stuff for days. And of course, the only one that suffers from all this is me.

NoVA Dad said...

Not so much God smacking you as much as putting His arm around you to let you know he's still there!!

Hope you continue to be on the mend.

Suztash said...

Guess we're all in a funk of some kind or other. This is just time for some "down time". The Pachelbel thing was wonderful. Take those moments and run with them. It wasn't God so much following you into the T station as waiting for you there! I remember shortly after moving into the apartment on Court St. and going out early one morning for a walk, discovering the most beautiful, esquisite little wild purple irises....one of my favorite flowers (and colors)! It was just a little surprise God, my Father, left in my path....just because. Another time, awakening in the middle of the night (after a long day of resentment, bitterness, feeling unloved and longing to be understood and cherished) hearing Anita Baker singing, "I Love You Just Because"...just because I do. It's not so much who we are, what our hearts are....though He delights in us, too; but it's Who God is. God IS love! And when He comes to us, even in these little ways, He leaves a little of His essence for us...to comfort, encourage, lift, and change us. Let it work. I woke up the other morning to a song in my head which I haven't sung in such a long time, that I had to work at the sketchy lyrics to make out what it was....but the tune stuck. Then finally it came in chopped phrases 'til all came together....especially when I remembered the title. I headed for the new hymnal, the ELW and found Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence. Not a cheery little melody, but a sober, haunting chant-like tune. The words really grabbed me. As familiar as God is to us at times, He is still GOD and by His very Holy nature, He requires reverence and awe...true worship in truth (with ourselves before Him) and spirit....not empty words but contrite and loving hearts. It was a wonderful eye-opener (pun intended) for me. I want, He wants intimacy. But intimacy with God brings awe and wonder and reverence! He is astoundingly wonderful!!!!

Wanda said...

I enjoyed reading about your life today, the good the bad and the ugly. God has a way of confronting us in the most unique ways....in a song??
Blessing on you, and I pray for your anxious heart to be calmed.