Sunday, December 5, 2010

First heartbreak

This afternoon, a woman broke R's heart. Careless words were said.

R hung his head all through dinner, not saying anything. He turned away and faced the wall. No amount of coaxing or joking could get him to feel better. He pulled out a piece of paper and a pencil and wrote, "I'm just not in the mood" when asked by A if he would talk to us.

I've never, ever seen him so sad, his little spirit crushed. No tears, just utter sadness.

I was the woman.

I feel like R will never love me the same way again, that we've crossed over into a different world and won't be able to get back to where we were before.

I was 11, I think, when I realized that my mom wasn't perfect. It was hard to accept then. R only had 6.5 years to believe that I was the one person in his life who would never hurt him. That is much too short.

When I started to cry tonight, R handed me a note that read, "I am sorey."

When I told him he had nothing to be sorry about, that I was the one who was sorry, he wrote, "It's okae. I luve you!"

I think R will be okay. We were snuggling before the night was over. But I know I will never be the same.


sandwhichisthere said...

it is a hard time when we realize that our parents are human not omnipotent. The love of a child for it's Mother will never wane, R will be fine in a day or two.
The thing that concerns me is that it is apparent that the words broke the heart of someone else also. The feelings that you have for R are the same feelings that I have for you.
When you speak of your Mother not being perfect, I have to disagree with you. In all the time that I knew her, I never got that feeling.

Kristen said...

R definitely seemed fine this morning. I still feel awful. What I said to him yesterday wasn't really all that bad (he wasn't playing fair, and I pointed it out and said I didn't feel like playing anymore), but it hurt his feelings, and that's really the first time that I've done that. It's not a feeling I hope to repeat anytime soon!

Kansas Bob said...

That so tugged on my heart strings Kristen. Thanks for sharing it. You are a great mom!

Kristen said...

Thank you, Bob. You are very kind! I don't feel like a great mom right now, but I think at the very least I'm learning from my mistakes.

shaun said...

Maybe you didn't make a mistake. It is much easier to hear these things from a safe person who loves you than a classmate or friend. It's something for him to digest, and it's big, but he was clearly thinking it over. I know myself I have done some marathon storytime suckup sessions after making one of the kids sad, and I feel for you, and it's awful to have your child angry or sad or mad at you. But he has to be very confident in your love for him to express these feelings, and he doesn't need you to be perfect,because that is an exhausting lie, better for him that he see a real, attainable, compassionate fair loving adult he can grow up to be like, who can commiserate and rub his back and kiss his forehead when he describes this exact same scenario to you in 20 years. (Johanna as Shaun-love you!)

Kristen said...

Johanna (as Shaun): Thank you. You made me feel so much better! I was tempted that night and the next day to make it up to him somehow - with a longed-for toy or something, but quickly dispelled that idea (thank goodness)! What a horrible message that would have sent to him.

We're good now. When he got home from school yesterday, he did his usual run through the house and leap into my arms thing. That helped a lot. :-)

sandwhichisthere said...

from what I can see, you carry the spirit of Christmas within you all year long. You are caring and tender and compassionate all year long. The lights and the tinsel and the cookies and the gifts are not the spirit of Christmas.
A dusty little manger, a donkey carrying a burden that was not his, a man leading the donkey that was carrying a burden that was not his, poor shepherds gathering around and giving all that they could, their worship and awe. No lights, no tinsel, no gifts, and no cookies. Just the miracle of Christmas and the joy of the birth of a baby.
No one knew what was coming in the future. The gifts came from pagans. The warmth and the miracle came from the Mother and her child.
The inkeeper had no room but had compassion for a couple in need and gave them the dusty manger. The spirit of Christmas was also born on that day. That manger must have seemed like a palace to them, full of lights and tinsel but desperately short of cookies.
That warmth and compassion for fellow human beings you carry with you all year. It is to people like you that Tim gave his blessing

City Girl said...

Aww - this melted my heart! I'm sure that you will remember this forever, and he won't remember it by next week. My mom saved every dismissive or mean note that I had ever wrote her. Lucky for me (us?), she saved the sweet ones, too. Hang in there, my love! All of it -- the love, the discipline and the guilt -- come with the mother's badge! xoxo