Over the last few days, some things have come up that make my heart ache as a mom and have changed my ideas about what to pray for. Last Thursday was one of my days off with R. We really had a great day playing together and then visiting his friend. R told me: "This was really fun because I hardly ever get to see you, Mommy." He said it very matter-of-factly, but with a sad voice.
Then, on Saturday night, R woke up because of a bad dream. He explained, "I was at school, and I couldn't find you anywhere, Mommy!" He reiterated the dream to me again later.
Yesterday, R had a playdate at a local park, and A was going to take him because he's become friends with R's friend's dad (and only the dads were going). But R was upset about me not going and said, "But you don't even know what S [his friend] looks like!" Which is SO not true.
It's possible that R has figured out the thing I'm most sensitive about and uses it against me, but because of the bad dream, I think maybe he's having some issues, too. I don't know. I just feel badly because it's not like I choose to be away from him. I have to. It's just the situation we're in. I would quit my job and stay home in a heartbeat if it were financially possible.
And, I honestly do spend 99.99995% of my time when I'm not at work with him. There have been some occasional Sunday afternoons when A will take R on a subway ride for fun or when I'm just completely exhausted from the week and A will take R to his favorite indoor playspace - the one I refuse to take him to because it makes me wish I had a prescription for horse tranquilizers (for me, not for the kids - it's a little too crowded and nutty for my taste).
Every few weeks I feel this need to document to myself that I'm doing the best I can with my situation. I am late to work almost every day because I won't leave the house without seeing R in the morning. I hardly ever make plans with friends that would take away from my time with him. I only get my haircut 3 or 4 times a year because I don't want to take a half-hour away from him on the weekends. I'm not complaining about any of this. I choose to spend pretty much every waking moment with R because I want to. And he seems to need me to do it. Even when we're eating, he's got to be touching me at all times. Usually he has his arm entwined around mine.
I've spent a long time trying to come to terms with our situation, trying to convince myself that maybe this is the way God thinks is best for me and my family (for me to work full-time). But every time I think I'm okay with it for a few weeks, something like R's comments or my own heartache will make me question things again. I've been afraid to ask God for a change because I was trying to accept that this was his plan (and I don't like making requests of God for me because I have so much to be thankful for - when friends and family are suffering around me from broken marriages, illness and disease, depression, and tragedies, it seems very selfish of me to pester God with less important requests). But I've decided to ask anyway because maybe I'm wrong about his plan for me. My devotional yesterday was about trusting God and taking the risks he sets before you, and my first thought then was that I don't know what risks he wants me to take. So I'm going to pray that God shows me another way. Maybe there is some dream job out there where I could do something meaningful and serve God in some way, but I'd only have to work three days a week (the days R is in school), and make the same money I make now. LOL. Or maybe the dream job is for A so I can just stay home. I don't know, but I figure it doesn't hurt to ask.
Maybe I'm glorifying the stay-at-home mom life way too much. I just know that I feel happiest when I'm caring for R, cooking for my family, and taking care of our house. I feel like those are the things I'm best at and that give me the most satisfaction as a human being. Doing those things brings out my creativity.
So that's what I'm thinking about today.
And, because I hate my long posts without pictures, here's a picture of R and his friend watching the pins fall while bowling on Saturday. They had a blast: