The point of my post yesterday was supposed to be a happy one - that God was still helping me and speaking to me and giving me what I needed (a church home! friends who follow Jesus!) even though I wasn't being very faithful to him at the time. I think maybe I didn't stress that part enough. Unfortunately, my writing often reflects my tendency to focus on the negative. :-(
Anywho, I'm pretty sure that God hasn't been asking me to seek him at the expense of my own sanity and of time with my family. When I listed all the things I've been trying to do to get closer to him, it sounded ridiculous when I went back and read it! I think God wants me to seek him simply and wholeheartedly. I do think it's important for me to be part of a church and to spend time with other Christians because I tend toward doing things alone due to my social awkwardness, and that isn't good for me. But I don't think God wants me to feel overwhelmed and stressed in my search for him. He's probably saying, "I never asked you to do all these things all at once, you silly girl! Here's where I want you to focus right now ..." So, I'm asking him for help in finding the right balance. :-)
Huh. I was just thinking about something else that happened last week: A and I were working late one night on a design project for work, and I was flipping out because I was tired, stressed out, and felt hopeless about our ability to finish the project in time for my presentation the next morning. I had to rely on A to do most of the work, and that was driving me nuts. I wanted to do it myself, my way, and on my time line - even though A is the designer. I got angry at A and yelled at him. But A knows me so well and is so patient. He was just quiet and let me rant until I calmed down and realized how ridiculous I was being. Then, I apologized to A, he threw his arm around me, we made up, and then we started to work together.
This is exactly how I think God deal with me sometimes. He listens while I flip out and get impatient and waits while I attempt to do things myself. When I finally come to my senses and let him lead, he kisses the top of my head, throws his arm around me, and makes things happen. He's pretty wonderful.
And, by the way, so is A. :-)