Monday, November 17, 2008

It's okay

The point of my post yesterday was supposed to be a happy one - that God was still helping me and speaking to me and giving me what I needed (a church home! friends who follow Jesus!) even though I wasn't being very faithful to him at the time. I think maybe I didn't stress that part enough. Unfortunately, my writing often reflects my tendency to focus on the negative. :-(

Anywho, I'm pretty sure that God hasn't been asking me to seek him at the expense of my own sanity and of time with my family. When I listed all the things I've been trying to do to get closer to him, it sounded ridiculous when I went back and read it! I think God wants me to seek him simply and wholeheartedly. I do think it's important for me to be part of a church and to spend time with other Christians because I tend toward doing things alone due to my social awkwardness, and that isn't good for me. But I don't think God wants me to feel overwhelmed and stressed in my search for him. He's probably saying, "I never asked you to do all these things all at once, you silly girl! Here's where I want you to focus right now ..." So, I'm asking him for help in finding the right balance. :-)

Huh. I was just thinking about something else that happened last week: A and I were working late one night on a design project for work, and I was flipping out because I was tired, stressed out, and felt hopeless about our ability to finish the project in time for my presentation the next morning. I had to rely on A to do most of the work, and that was driving me nuts. I wanted to do it myself, my way, and on my time line - even though A is the designer. I got angry at A and yelled at him. But A knows me so well and is so patient. He was just quiet and let me rant until I calmed down and realized how ridiculous I was being. Then, I apologized to A, he threw his arm around me, we made up, and then we started to work together.

This is exactly how I think God deal with me sometimes. He listens while I flip out and get impatient and waits while I attempt to do things myself. When I finally come to my senses and let him lead, he kisses the top of my head, throws his arm around me, and makes things happen. He's pretty wonderful.

And, by the way, so is A. :-)


sandwhichisthere said...

your turmoil comes through vividly in your post. I can' offer any advice when it comes to God because I am in the lunatic fringe where that subject is concerned. I won't offer any advice when it comes to church as I am the Sedna of the lunatic fringe in that area. I think that I see one thing in your comments. Are you looking for church or looking for a social group? The two subjects seem so intertwined in your post.
O.K., hear comes the story, you knew it was coming! When I was working in Framingham and going through some difficult emotional times, I used to go to a little church in Ashland every lunch time. It was a Catholic church and therefore the doors were always open. I would be the only one there and the peace and quiet were soothing. Then, much later, you told me something that made a difference in my life. You said "Dad, sometimes when you ask God for something, the answer is "NO!".". I stopped asking and started thanking. The peace and quiet became much deeper. That is still my creed. I don't say "Please", I say "Thank you.".
When it comes to socializing, you and I are much different. I am not uncomfortable with groups, I just don't like them. I joined a group once, The Society for Putting Things On Top Of Things, but it didn't work out. I joined another group, called New Beginings, that consisted of people relating how terrible their former partners were and how much they missed them. Most of the activities centered on the Barnside in Marshfield so I liked that group. Then one night I told the group a joke that I had made up. "New Beginings had a raffle and nobody won!". It was mutually agreeable that the group and I parted company. I bet they miss me.
If the problem is finding a social group the you and Alan and Rix can share, you might have to find a common ground. Alan likes rockets, Rix likes other kids, and you like nuturing. Maybe you could start your own group, ROCKET MOMS!
Moms, kids, and rockets. Does that sound like a good mix? I can see the T shirts now.
I am not trying to belittle your anguish. I saw your Mother suffer under similar circumstances for years but I think you may have two problems and are treating them as one. You are intelligent and resourceful and a realist. You will find a way through these times. I love you and I respect you and I wish you well,
all of my love to you and your family, always, daddy

Greg C said...

I read your last post and I have to say that I have felt some of the same things. When I was young I really wanted to belong to any group. I was constantly picked on by most other kids and when I tried to join things like baseball teams or other sprots groups I would end up getting laughed at. Finally I met a nice person who invited me to join the youth group at church. Without going into great detail, I can only say that it changed my life direction. I think I am what I am today because of that one meeting.
The church we go to now has great childrens programs and my youngest son loves going. I guess my point is don't give up. You will find the right place for you and your family. And when the time is right your family will grow. When I met my wife she said NO KIDS. Now we have two and it was her idea to start a family. :)