I've been pretty crabby the last few days. I've been feeling overwhelmed by everything - work, family, and even God. I've been struggling with how to juggle and balance my life, and I admit that I got frustrated with God because it feels like trying to keep up my faith is taking its toll on me and taking away from my precious time with R and A. For the last few weeks, I've been going to a new church, going to a church community group, trying to find more time to pray (because prayer has been the focus of our community group and the sermons on Sunday), haphazardly doing a Beth Moore study, listening to a Joyce Meyer audio series on changing your personality, and trying to serve more at church when I can, although there are many, many ways that I would like to serve (e.g., cooking for the homeless ministry) that I know I just cannot possibly do with my schedule (and, of course, I feel badly about that). And, with all of this (which now seems ridiculous to me), I've felt further away from God than I was before.
On top of that, an issue that I've been struggling with for a couple of years reared its head again. Basically, I want another baby and A doesn't. It's complicated, and A certainly has valid reasons for how he feels. I've prayed and prayed about it - that either A's heart would be moved or that the desire would be lessened in me. And, at times it seems like there has been progress in one or both areas, but then it'll all come up again and make me upset. Yesterday, A said some things that weren't very hopeful from my point of view and then to top it all off, Pampers somehow got me on their expectant mother list and sent me a flingin-flangin' free newborn diaper in the mail. Oh, gee, thanks a lot! So now I've got this stupid teeny tiny diaper on my coffee table that is making me all weepy. Gah!
Anyway, all of that helps explain my frame of mind when I woke up this morning. I really didn't want to go to church. I starting whining in my head about having to go to church by myself. And, I started questioning whether I'm really supposed to be going to this church in the first place. It doesn't really feel like home yet, although I have met some wonderful people. I still just feel alone there.
Today, I think God was a little sick of my complaining. When I was listing in my head the reasons why I didn't want to go to church today, the messages I got back were: "That's not my problem" and "Get your butt to church, woman!"
So I did. And, of course, God was wonderful to me in spite of my miserable whining and jerkitude. I walked in, said hi to a couple of people, and sat down by myself. Within a minute, though, I was surrounded by people from my community group. On either side of me were friendly faces, and I finally felt like part of the church family. It was amazing. Then, the pastor's sermon had so many moments for me where I just thought, "YES! YES! YES" because he was confirming and answering for me several issues where I've disagreed in the past with other churches' approaches. And, I cried because I realized that God was telling me I was home - and because I was so humbled that the God of the universe would answer me so lovingly and directly even when I was grumbling and being a complete weenie.
[Another cool thing? God, in His usual way, is a great multi-tasker. He led me to share my experience at church this morning with A when I got home, and A was genuinely excited for me. Tonight, when A and R and I were talking about what a great day we had - filled with time to play together, a visit with friends, time outside - A made a point to include my time at church as part of that.]